_{i write so many DEEP THINGS here xD}

hayyy everybodyy!!

so after a terrible week [good weekend though yay C: ], i really thought about stuff and decided on things.

i really need to start holding myself accountable for my actions.
all my life i've kind of rationalized things, or remained ignorant, simply because sometimes just saying things to myself scared me. i kind of scared me. but i never really did anything about it.
i need to start being proactive with my life. i've kind of let other people, or other people's beliefs drive my life, i feel like it's time i take the wheel because i'm assured i know what's best and even if i don't, at least i tried.

i view this college as a prison.
and that isn't really a healthy thought, and i don't think it's because of the college, i think it's for other reasons i simply cannot put my finger on.
but for once today, i wasn't devastated to come back to school. i know school is hard and i am relatively up for the challenge. i'm really proud of myself for working as hard as i do.

that being said, i really miss writing, but i have a hard time writing because i'm so focused on school that it's hard to unhinge my jaws and bite into creative stuff, if that makes any sense at all.
it's hard to go into fantasy when you're required to stay in reality 24/7.
i just want to make great storylines, and great characters, and i don't care if anyone reads it or finds it remotely good. i just want to do this, for myself. i hope that's understandable.
and i really want to get into poetry again, i miss making comparisons and stuff.

i have every intention of going to the counseling center tomorrow to work out my personal problems. the more i think about it, the more i realize that i should have started this a fairly long time ago. i was depressed all throughout my childhood. i should have done something about this. i would really like to enjoy life, and enjoy myself, and get to the root of why i feel the way i do about certain things.
i'm just scared to go myself. but i'll ask a friend to see if they'll come with me. it's scary doing things alone D:

overall i'm much better than i've been.
although the other day, my friend told me that she didn't believe in depression and that it was simply weakness, and that suicide was stupid and selfish, and she mocked people. that same day, most of the people in my psychology class laughed at that sort of thing.
it really bothered me, i think the intolerance really bothers me, because so many people wrote me off all throughout my life, that having to go through the same thing at a college level that i did at a middle school level is...sickening, i guess.
mental illness isn't weakness. suicide isn't stupid. i know that. i wish the rest of the world did too. those who deal with illness are incredibly strong, and i think they're all heroes in their own right. because those who are still alive fight every single day, and they win, which is really commendable.

i know some people just don't understand, so no, i'm not mad at them, they were raised a different way and probably never had exposure to such things. i just wished people educated themselves though. tolerance is so important.

...
i really went off track there.
anyway i'm going to try to start writing more because i like it, and it makes me happy, and if my school work suffers a little bit i don't really care because the end of the semester is coming and i already did a damn good job

i really miss you guys. i hope you know that. <3