I like updates n stuff C:

Anyway uhm.
I still have yet to schedule an appointment with a counselor. I know that this is an important thing to do because either I'm going to overcome the awfulness or it will devour me, but it definitely won't lie dormant for a long period of time.
But my mom acknowledged that I have depression today which meant a lot to me because that term was never used for me. Ever. So I think that means a lot. I feel a little validated and like I'm not crazy.
Yay <3

But I will make that appointment because I know I'm going to need it. I'm sick of pressure and stuff always being on my shoulders D: I mean I really really love helping people with their problems!! Just sometimes I honestly don't have the answers and when people text me in despair in this sort of strange succession I kind of run out of solutions.
So maybe that would be nice to bring up D: Because I want to help. Really.

In other newsssss
I'm getting good grades!! And I'm staying on top of stuff. It makes me feel good.
And I think I'm going to stick with Neuroscience and just pretend I'm working my way up to an episode of House or something xDD because then I feel like MY FUTURE IS SUPER EXCITING. But I really don't want any more schooling. I know grad school is important but I can just as easily get a job somewhere with my expertise and work my way up
Because apparently I am quite the impressive student
DON'T TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW AMIRITEGUYZ.
No it makes me feel good to know that my teachers are impressed with me. Besides my math teacher but lol. Yeah. Uhm.
Berea's Children's Home is hiring and I would love to hop on that bandwagon.
Yay Psych and Neuroscience. I feel cool.

Everything else is going good. I mean relatively. I freaked out Saturday night-Sunday morning but I'm just kind of a pussy so that's understandable. It's been a calm week annnddd I got to hang out with people so that's always nice. And I got to write a little bit and do a lot of research.
I feel good right now. Unfortunately I can't guarantee that I will feel good, you know, 12 hours from now but right now...
Walking in the dark is my favoritest thing to do to get my mind off of stuff. It's working. Although I suppose it's dangerous since some dude almost got shanked at the bus stop the other night
But that's besides the point. It's all good in this hood, dudes.

How are yooou?

I wrote that last journal in a rush.
I had to leave my dorm really fast so the whole thought process is kind of incomplete.
You get the idea though: not happy, have to do something about it.
So I will.

I don't like Neuroscience.
I tried to like it. Some things are interesting. But I don't necessarily care what parts of the brain/spinal cord make you do certain things. I'm more interested in the behavior aspect, the psychology of it. I'll just say that I'm happy for this class, but I'll leave my medical interests to health shows and such Besides, Neuroscience won't take me anywhere that interesting. I can do Pharmacology, which is a big NO THANKS. I can become a neurologist. But, I'm not interested enough. It's tons of money to do something I'm only slightly interested in.

Do I like Psychology? I fucking love it.
I'm good at it, I knew I would be. Do I really want to become a psychologist, pay all this money to listen to people bitch and moan?
No. Not really, I get enough of that simply being me. I still would love to help children, Child Psychology sounds interesting but like people have told me...I would take my job home with me. I couldn't be detached. I would literally toss and turn all night because of a patient.
I still want to major in psychology, definitely. I don't know what I want to do with it, though. I love social psychology, the whole why we're good/why we're evil. I spent 8 hours studying that chapter and the experiments that went along with it. I've never had that kind of devotion before. I'm just like, sitting there studying going 'THIS IS SO BADASS ;;' which made me happy!!
So I get that. Mhmm.

Besides that, I haven't a clue. I'm just worried about finding a job. I don't want to do all these years of schooling, which I should take into consideration. I have a lot of thinking to do. I just know that I want to be happy with my decision.

Do I like BW? Parts of it. I like my friends, I like the Cybercafe, I like Professor Mickley, I like the Rec Center, and I hate everything else. I was hoping I would like it once I went there D: I don't really want to transfer, it seems like such a hassle, this is what I was afraid of. If I didn't have friends there I'd leave...but at this point...I don't know, it seems like a lot of work. But I feel like getting a boring education at a school with lots of trees is kind of a waste of my money xD like AMIJUSTPAYINFORFOLIAGE. I don't know.

To be honest, I don't even like college. I mean I think it's awesome that I'm learning more. I feel so much more intelligent but xD I'm just not...happy with college. I can't just drop out, you know. Everyone would be so disappointed, and I do want an education. I just feel like my place is elsewhere, I just don't know where it is.
I really hope my mom and aunt open up their restaurant. I would love to work there.
I feel like my place isn't in school, but in the real world now. I don't like this buffer time. I mean the first month was 'yaylookathowgrownupiam' but now I'm kind of over the whole idea D:
I feel like leaving college is a cop-out though. I don't know. People say it's the best time of your life but I kind of think they're wrong.

I hope I know sometime soon. I don't want to waste my money where it's not needed. D:

And I promise I'll have a healthier attitude about food. Like I told Nick, I made a food schedule!! I think it'll work out. I'll try to stop viewing food as an enemy. And I'm still gonna work out! But I won't be unhealthy about it. It's just a nice stress reliever, definitely.

These are all goals and I'm excited to get cracking.
Thanks guys. I LOVEEE YOUUU.

After today, i just kind of need to take a minute, for myself, to reflect upon things. To understand what exactly is going on in my life. I haven't taken stock of the situation in a while. And with the mind of a psychologist, I know that's not good. I know I'm motivated to hold my tongue due to the situation that I'm in, because so is everyone else.

I've been in college for 2 months now. Actually a little over 2 months.
Do to hardwork, lack of good food, and simple lack of time I've lost 2 pants sizes and almost all of my clothes do not fit how they used to. I had to go shopping, because my pants were literally falling down, and my shirts were literally drowning me.
I haven't even lost a pantsize within the last two years. To suddenly, in two months, lose that kind of weight? That's weird to me. I didn't even notice until I went shopping.
Why? Because I'm stressed the fuck out, and I'm not eating enough, and I'm exercising too much, and I hate to say this but I have a problem.
I always have I just never wanted to say anything.
I always based my value as a human being on weight. My personality didn't matter. Nothing else mattered to me. My moods are based on how little I eat and how much I exercise. My self worth is based on the number on my jeans.
Every day is a battle for me. When I wake up, from the beginning. I plan every fucking bite, I count every little calorie, sometimes I eat less than 700 calories a day and I go do cardio for an hour because I don't feel like I deserved to eat.
I don't know why I'm so fucked up like that and I know it's a problem and I know I should do something but I'm so sick of being this troubled person. I don't know why I can't just be normal for once. I have it the best out of a lot of people I know but I still have all of these serious issues and it just makes me mad. I don't deserve to have any sort of attention on me. I don't.
That wasn't what I planned on writing about but that all came spewing out.
But you don't understand the intense phobia I have about gaining weight. A single pound. You don't understand, if you've never been obese, you don't understand what that's like, especially as a child. My parents want to deny that they did any harm and maybe I was just predisposed to eat too much, but it was a problem. People treat you differently. They look at you differently. So even though I have this problem, even though it can eat unhealthy, I'm not going to address it until I'm where I want to be.
I don't care if that's ludicrous. I already know.

And hell, am I happy? I have no idea. Sometimes I feel happy, when I'm with my friends or talking to Tony or just talking to someone that I knew before college. But here? No, I'm not happy here. And it's not because I'm lazy and don't want to do work. It's how I'm treated. It's what this place has done to me that's changed me. I barely sleep, I barely eat, I work myself so hard that I take it out on other people.
And it KILLS me because so many people rely on me for advice, and I give them my all and they just ignore me and shit on my ideas
You don't know what that does to me.
And I'm finding that I'm always much, much more emotional here than anywhere I've ever been. I'm crying or manically happy within the same hour, I don't understand why. My mind is always on overdrive, between etiquette to living with people who don't like me to having all of this stuff to do to keeping people happy, and so much more. I am going to break. I know I'm going to break, it's entirely unavoidable, I just hope it's not soon.

And I know this all sounds entirely dismal.
I don't know what to do either, my friends.
So I think I'm going to ride the waves and see if I can change and fix things. Because if I'm not happy, what's the point?

CAN I HAVE A MOMENT
TO GUSH ABOUT MY SPECTACULAR BOYFRIEND <<<<<<33333

KAY WELL SINCE YOU ASKED
kd;lfg

i loves him so much
and and and he makes my life
and he's so adorable and it makes my stomach feel funny
but but a good funny where i kind of want to swoon
because he's so damn adorable

and and and
he always texts me/calls me in the morning and at night to make sure i slept good and to make sure i know he loves me and
he texts me all throughout the day making sure i'm having a good day
and he tells me he loves me at least thirty times throughout the day <AW!<3>
and for sweetest day he gave me adorable flowers and a STUFFED BEAR WITH A VEST to go along with pooh bear as he's lonely!!
and he surprises me by standing outside my dorm and calling me and telling me to open the door because it's cold when i had NO IDEA HE WAS EVEN IN TOWN XD
<just like when he scared me at parmatown because i was bored>


and he tells me how awesome/smart/pretty/funny/adorable/sweet/kind i am all the time without any prompting whatsoever and he says cute things in tense situations to make me want to squish his face in because they're that adorable
AND WE GOT TO PET BUNNIESSS!! and he promised me someday we'll get a bunny farm because i asked and made sad faces
and he looks me in the eye when he talks to me and he's always sincere about stuff
and and and his family is so so so so nice to me and they tell me they love me which makes me smile!
and even if my interests are nerdy he thinks they're cute xD like 'NO YOU'RE NOT A NERD YOU'RE JUST SO DAMN ADORABLE'
and he hugs me like it's going out of style <which it is not>
and he tries to let me win at chess and checkers, even though i am, in fact, so bad at it this feat is impossible.
and he has the most comfy shoulder!! <3 IT'S LIKE A VORTEX OF WARMTH
AND WE BOTH MAKE LITERARY JOKES OH HOW PRETENTIOUS <iloveit>
and and and
he is never passive aggressive and he never blames me for his problems and he's not all in it for sex and he doesn't expect me to change my religion and he doesn't stalk me at the mall and he has no intentions of knocking me up within the first month of knowing me and he doesn't stalk my internet stuffs like all of the other weirdos that were in my life

IAMSOHAPPY
HI
: D

i'm done now
carry on with your important bizniz.

sorry just
i don't have anyone to gush to
as the majority of my friends are dudes and they're all 'EW'
and the girls don't care/get mad
xDD

;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;;
TELL ME HOW YOU ARE
AND RECIPROCATE MY FEELINGS OF MISSING

:C