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Her candyland ripped her away today.
Night Grandma. Now that you're out of your misery.
I love you and miss you, too.
Very, very much.
RIP.

my desktop computer broke :c
df;lgkjf i had writing and pictures and conversations and all of my music on there
i am so depressed by this
i keep trying to make it work but it never does...stupid vista i hatechu ihateyou i hate YOU.

...

anyway.
you will be hearing less from scuba steve due to less than savory reasons but more from me c:
had an awesome day yesterday with stephalef! normally i call her lefacus when i'm writing but it must get confusing so i decided to throw her name in there. i enjoyed her forgetful nature and the bathroom queen next to us and are gum-junkie attitude.
as for the rest of you - when are we doing things together? because i'm not going to have a car for another couple of months and my mom is in the process of nicotine withdrawal so she's not too keen on driving me anywhere so WITH THAT IN MIND...
let me know c:

i have to wake up balls early tomorrow to finish my christmas shopping
like before 8 so i wanna throw up but luckily i get to bake c:
plus my tonycus is back home safe and sound!! i can't wait to see him. but i still have to get his present and dsfklgf FRUSTRATING shopping for WOWTHINGS is hard.

i had two children in my new sims family
i find that that game is boring unless there are children involved or i get to keep making/remodeling houses.
in case you were curious about this factor in my life

anyway. relevant. i miss writing and I WAS GOING TO POST SOMETHING BUT THANKS VISTA FOR RUINING MY LIFE so...waiting again...but i am gonna work on more stuff.
OH AND I GOT REALLY GOOD GRADES hi 3.666 nice to see you as my gpa. c: 4 a's, two b's (one of them was supposed to be a c but professor mickley is AWESOME.)

all done. gonna go write now c: BYE GUYS.

i am currently:

/getting ready to go home
/drinking a nasty mocha because they ran out of peppermint, those bastards
/internet swing dancing with scuba steve
/entirely stress free

c:

i am one excited gal. let me tell you.
this whole semester has been nothing but STRESSGETSTUFFDONENOFRIENDSFORYOU
which is why i must have hated it so much
so now i realize that all freshman should refrain from taking too many credits, not because they can't handle it, but because they won't have time to have fun and make new friends and get involved.
so i'm going to be playing catch-up next semester on the whole friends thing
but thanks to everyone awesome i met this semester who dealt with my 'always busy' bs.
especially jenna and tania dragging me out of my dorm to workout/watch twin peaks/play the sims/make silly videos.

overall, i feel accomplished and like i know myself much much better.
i know what i can handle (and what i cannot) which i think is quite invaluable
i've fluctuated between not eating - at all - to eating cheese doodles for breakfast and donuts for lunch. found a healthy balance
i realized that i just cannot take the weight of everyone's problems at once. i am the wilson of the real world, and if i've learned one thing, it's that wilson needs to stop being a doormat (as should i)
but that certainly doesn't mean that i should be impatient.
i learned that it is certainly okay to be myself, and that i have every right to, as a matter of fact
plus, coe lake is really pretty at night. c: even if it's 30 degrees.
i really value my brother as a friend and someone who i could help if i let myself, because it's a very emotional subject for me (i actually teared up a little)
i figured out why life is so great.
and i just feel better c:

next semester, i will be refreshed, and LOUD, and happier.
but this winter break, i will focus on all of my real friends c: cuz i love you guys.
and i will spend time with my dearest tony, because i owe it to him to be the best me, because he's had to deal with my bitchy stress.
i will write, and write, and draw, and oil pastel, because that's all i can think about right now
i will make good coffee and light the fireplace that my temporary house has.

i feel really good. i haven't felt this good...ever. by myself.
so maybe i was wrong. maybe college is doing something for me that i don't even realize?
either way. i'm happy to have this break, i'm happy i worked so hard in my classes, and i'm happy my professors were so very sad to see me go. they all were
...except my math one but let's be fair, i wasn't the best in that class. maybe the best at texting and talking to madi in the back row.
and i do regret the couple of friends i didn't make. they really tried to be friends with me :c didn't even notice until it was too late.
but if i have you guys in class next semester, we're not going to waffle anymore.
...
i feel so good c:
tank yew endorphins.

i am now going to pack this laptop up and go home
probably play the sims. or else pull out a sketch pad and oil pastel some stuffs
because i haven't done that...in way way too long.
and i will text and be happy c:

i miss everyone. and i will miss everyone bunches!!

ps - i am kayteesaurus. me and scuba steve are gonna go save christmas and learn a little something about values and the christmas spirit c:

_{i write so many DEEP THINGS here xD}

hayyy everybodyy!!

so after a terrible week [good weekend though yay C: ], i really thought about stuff and decided on things.

i really need to start holding myself accountable for my actions.
all my life i've kind of rationalized things, or remained ignorant, simply because sometimes just saying things to myself scared me. i kind of scared me. but i never really did anything about it.
i need to start being proactive with my life. i've kind of let other people, or other people's beliefs drive my life, i feel like it's time i take the wheel because i'm assured i know what's best and even if i don't, at least i tried.

i view this college as a prison.
and that isn't really a healthy thought, and i don't think it's because of the college, i think it's for other reasons i simply cannot put my finger on.
but for once today, i wasn't devastated to come back to school. i know school is hard and i am relatively up for the challenge. i'm really proud of myself for working as hard as i do.

that being said, i really miss writing, but i have a hard time writing because i'm so focused on school that it's hard to unhinge my jaws and bite into creative stuff, if that makes any sense at all.
it's hard to go into fantasy when you're required to stay in reality 24/7.
i just want to make great storylines, and great characters, and i don't care if anyone reads it or finds it remotely good. i just want to do this, for myself. i hope that's understandable.
and i really want to get into poetry again, i miss making comparisons and stuff.

i have every intention of going to the counseling center tomorrow to work out my personal problems. the more i think about it, the more i realize that i should have started this a fairly long time ago. i was depressed all throughout my childhood. i should have done something about this. i would really like to enjoy life, and enjoy myself, and get to the root of why i feel the way i do about certain things.
i'm just scared to go myself. but i'll ask a friend to see if they'll come with me. it's scary doing things alone D:

overall i'm much better than i've been.
although the other day, my friend told me that she didn't believe in depression and that it was simply weakness, and that suicide was stupid and selfish, and she mocked people. that same day, most of the people in my psychology class laughed at that sort of thing.
it really bothered me, i think the intolerance really bothers me, because so many people wrote me off all throughout my life, that having to go through the same thing at a college level that i did at a middle school level is...sickening, i guess.
mental illness isn't weakness. suicide isn't stupid. i know that. i wish the rest of the world did too. those who deal with illness are incredibly strong, and i think they're all heroes in their own right. because those who are still alive fight every single day, and they win, which is really commendable.

i know some people just don't understand, so no, i'm not mad at them, they were raised a different way and probably never had exposure to such things. i just wished people educated themselves though. tolerance is so important.

...
i really went off track there.
anyway i'm going to try to start writing more because i like it, and it makes me happy, and if my school work suffers a little bit i don't really care because the end of the semester is coming and i already did a damn good job

i really miss you guys. i hope you know that. <3