I've discovered the worst thing in the world.
It's not the atom-smasher or terrorists or the Anti-Christ or anything so tangible. It's watching someone you care about deeply destroy themselves and knowing that there isn't anything you can do about it.

I'm not that type of person who just sits around and lets other people hurt themselves. If there was something I could do about it, I'd do it or else I'd feel it just as bad, if not worse because being empathetic is awful. I wouldn't care how much patching it took, I'd help because I felt a burning obligation to do something about it. It wasn't anything I could ignore.

And not being able to do anything is the worst feeling I've had in a long time. Because the purpose of my life is to protect other people and if I can't then what's really the point? It makes me a failure. I've never successfully saved anyone and I'm not sure if that's more about me or it's more about human nature. But either way it's my nature, and if my nature fails then what really is there? I can't change my nature and I just keep failing so am I a failure by nature? Am I destined to continuously fail in my most basic efforts?

I know it isn't healthy to ponder but it's important. Because if I have to go against my nature to be happy, then how does that make any sense? No one ever needs saving. They pretend they do but they're dismissive. Or they do it for attention. Or they're just over dramatizing everything. Or countless other things that never add up to "thank you for helping me".

Everything in my life has been achieved through strings of abject failure. Failing to be one of the popular kids, failing to be successful, failing at certain talents or just failing to fail. My life is practically destined to be all kinds of failure but I'm not sad about it because I have achieved good friends and other things through it, like experience. So maybe it's not failure, maybe we're all destined to be failures and in all of our failures is success.

And that's life <3