Foresight
AdorationSchool is starting soon. Orientation is the 18th, class starts the 24th. Basically, once the 18th hits, I'll be away from home finally. I'm kind of excited about leaving home, but honestly that's really the only part I'm excited about. I pretty much can't stand anything else.
I feel like I'm betraying people by going to college. No one wants me to go. Everyone's freaking out on me, and I'm scared enough as it is. I don't know what to do.
While I know it's just college, it's a different place filled with different people. It was not my place of choice. These really aren't people I find friendship in. I'll certainly try, and try hard, but over all, I'm more depressed and horrified about leaving than I am happy. And for some reason, no one can make me feel better about it. So I can't help but sit here I wish I could think of some way of getting out of this place and going to the college I actually want to be at, with people I get along with and a campus I already know, closer to my boyfriend where I don't have to worry about if he'll find someone better.
It all sounds totally self-depreciating and irrational, and here's the fun thing IT IS. I know it is, for a fact. I'll look back on this and probably laugh. But I didn't really want things to be this way. I had such a different plan in mind. It all seems so wrong to me.
Just a lot of things are going on and I don't feel in control in the least. My life was pretty much derailed and uprooted earlier this year and now that it's happening yet again, it feels like it's too much to take. Not to mention I've changed so much I hardly have an idea of who I am.
I'm just kind of sick of being strong for people when I don't feel like that at all. My friends are freaking out, my family, I don't know. It's so hard for me to be strong for them all. I can't guarantee anything. I can't guarantee that I won't change, or that I'll have time for them, or that I still need them like I needed them before. My parents are so afraid of me growing up and because they held on so tightly, I feel as though me growing up disappoints them. All they talk about is death anymore. Like now that I'm going to college, there's nothing else to do. How the hell am I supposed to handle all that? I want to break away, but I almost feel as though I can.
And I feel so weird, loving one person so completely not even six months ago, and suddenly loving this other person now. I feel wrong. Did I have time to move on, I don't know, I think so, but how am I supposed to know when my mind is totally clouded by everything else? He's perfect and amazing but I'd never, ever, ever want to give him anything less than my all, and that's all I've been giving, just because I'm so overwhelmed with things.
I don't really say it, but I'm kind of an utter mess. It seems like so much is against me all the time. I'm not going to give up, I'll never do that.
You can see why I haven't written anything since about March. I've been so preoccupied...I know I think too much, but that's gotten me pretty far, right?
I just wish I was more prepared for everything that was coming my way. In a sense I wish I could just unload everything I'm feeling on someone like I used to, but that's entirely selfish and I can't do that anymore. So it's new, dealing with everything I've internalized like this. I haven't really even begun unloading on here. Some things I want to keep to myself.
So basically: I'm a total wreck and I cannot wait until things get better. Because I know they will. I just wish they would right now.
Devious Comments
i promise i will visit you in collegelands whenever i can. not like i am doing anything better. let's make a club for people whose plans did not quite work out in a majestic manner. we will have oops-sleepovers until i'm at sva and you're at a place that is not bw.
also umm if you wanna talk about relationshit things, you can note me/IM me because i have much to say on the subject but not in a place for everyone else to read XD
if you want.
feel better. enjoy my microscopic words.
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Cry agianst the moonlit sky my love there is nothing to be ashamed of, you did not mean to dye the moon red with spilt blood.
"It must be one of those unidentified flying cupcakes."
I've been there and you are off to a better start then I ever was. You are doing the right thing, you are dealing. Be happy for yourself, ignore your parents and tell the ones who don't want you to go off to college to grow up. Yes it is sad but they will always be your friends and you will continue to talk to them. I am going to throw my 2 cents in here if you like it then listen if not tell me to shut up xD
6 months is plenty of time to move on, it is short but it is a lot of time to deal and think and move on. Here is something I learned a long time ago:
You will never stop loving your friends or ex's you just learn to live without them and become independent and then replace those feelings of love with someone who is better and more mature then the last.
So your feelings of uneasiness are not uncommon, they are natural. I remember a time when I thought I could love no one else but that one person, 8 months later I was ready to move on and started dating again, 3 years later his name does not bother me nor does the thoughts of the times we had. But the times when it did hurt and I felt uneasy dating someone again, it helps you move on.
I guess what I am trying to say is that, given time all wounds will heal and you will learn to love and trust yourself again and those around you, what you feel is to short of time may just be a way of saying "I am almost there, and soon these feelings will go away for good"
There is a lot of nonsense in all the crap I just said sorry about that.
To me it just sounds like you are hitting that time in your life, were you need to figure out who you are.
So basically,
Don't listen to us :3
I know we were never really that close as friends as, at least, I know I wanted to be (wow that sounded like a hit on >.< (and no it wasn't xD), but know I am happy for you, I want you to move on!
All of us, everyone, we will always be here for you!
*uberglompyhugthing*
I hope your days get better! Once college starts you will have so much fun.
And if you don't you can join Meg and I at CSU xD
I'm sure everything will get better. It already feels better. It just is a really weird transition.
Why haven't we become closer friends? I don't know how this didn't happen xD wtf! And I know! Yay! Visiting times!
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You
are a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling.
It will be but you will get over it, after the first few days you will be like "HOLYMOTHEROFGODANDFLYINGPOO this place is really fun and easy and stuffs"
Well there were a lot of outside factors, number one: drama both person and nonpersonal lol
Well it is never to late, like the old saying goes lol. You will have to visit us when x-mas comes around if you come home for it which I think you have to xD
Yeah now that I'm kind of in the groove of things it's not so bad. Except my roommate likes to hold parties. It's uhm. A little annoying xD but it's not too awful! Are you commuting?
You always make sense, i promisee
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You
are a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling.
Good to hear! Just don't get over burdened with homework! xD
Oh god, that is always fun. Just ask her to keep them to a minimum, it is not like it is an unruly request.
Yea I am taking the RTA every Mon, Wed, Fri. Have to get up at roughly 5:45 am or 6 am. So it is exactly like highschool xD
<3 yay :3 Thankies
IT WOULD DIIIIEEE
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You
are a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling.
the amount of homework is crazy!
i walk out of my english class every wed and tell people that I feel like I was skull-fucked by an icepick >.>
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